THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH, AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH
>> Back when I first started blogging, I would write about anything that came to mind. As this strange and new online conversation evolved, I inevitably became more careful about what I shared, especially after a few heated discussions and the realization that everything was now super-connected. While I vehemently denied the rampant ad and corporate-based giveaways/promotions/reviews that many bloggers at that time succumbed to, I still managed to buy into the censoring like all the other schmucks out there. I became another one of those, "I live in a Pinterest dream world where I make all my own shit. Plus, I'm a photographer and I homeschool and travel nonstop, my life is perfect blah blah blah...."
UGH. It has been such a long time since I just let it all out. Even though it worries me that I'll be judged or maybe someone won't hire me at some point for being honest, I don't want to keep up the façade any longer. It's completely against my constitution. Now seems as good a time as ever to simply say what is on my mind. First,
There are a lot of great things going on in my world:
-I love my job.
-I am passionate about homeschooling.
-I get to travel. A lot. I feel alive when I'm on the road (metaphorically and physically.)
-I have an amazing family that I love being with.
-I have a beautiful home.
-I am blessed with a very full and deep life.
(Yeah, yeah. You already knew that, right? BUT, here's what I haven't said...)
There are a lot of ways in which I'm failing:
-I'm stressed out beyond belief.
-There's never enough time in the day.
-I don't go on dates with my husband.
-There are virtually no manicures/haircuts/massages/shopping excursions/coffee or lunch with friends/etc.
-My friendships need work.
-I can't keep doing everything all the time.
-I can't stop doing anything I'm doing.
-Important things are being overlooked because I'm at my limit.
In one of my last posts, I mentioned it was my busiest time of year. Ironically, I'm always busy and yet somehow! I manage to top myself every year. There is literally no down time, unless you count going to the gym (which I do, because that is how sad I am. I get an hour+ to myself where I can workout/read a book/have a break from my children all at the same time.) I never sit on the couch and watch tv. I rarely play with my kids other than during school. My only other break during the day is usually when I am cooking. My down time is called "sleep" or "editing photos late at night."
So, while I'm busy excelling at being with my kids 24/7, I am also failing to be fun in any way, shape or form. Sure, I teach them and take them to all their activities. I make all their meals and tuck them into bed at night. We occasionally play games and go on exciting adventures, but when it comes to just chilling out with my kids, I'm not available. (As I type this, my husband and children are all cuddled up on our bed watching football, while I'm supposed to be editing photos.)
People ask me about homeschooling all the time. The number one thing I hear is: "How can you handle being with you children all day long?" The number two thing is: "My kids would never listen to me if I was their teacher." Well, that's another story (which I'd love to talk about at a later date,) but my point is, I am on the other side of the coin. I enjoy being around my kids. I've made damn certain that they are not annoying individuals. Sure, they drive me nuts from time to time, but usually it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with all the other things on my plate. I love watching them grow and learn and change every day.
On the other hand, I do know that I need a break from time to time to be a better mom, wife, friend and human being. That said, I truly don't know how to go about changing things without letting go of something else. And I don't know what I can or want to let go of! I need my career because it is what fuels me as a person. Any extra money I make helps our family survive. I've learned to not rely on anyone else since we don't have any local family or babysitters to help out. Other than hiring a clone or a personal assistant, I don't know what to do.
But you see, the unravelling is already happening my friends. In my exhaustion, I plowed out of my garage and into my sister's rental car a couple of weeks ago when she was visiting. (I was running late and forgot they were parked behind my garage.) I booked tickets to England without checking our passports first. (Yesterday we realized that two were expired and today was spent trying to expedite renewals in time for our travels. It does not look good!) Ten days ago, I came down with the worst sickness I've had in years and then I proceeded to infect both of my children with varying degrees of it, replete with fevers and Croup.) Oh and did I mention that I have about 5,000 photos to edit in the next week and that we've been unschooling because I've been so sick/busy/stressed. YAY, me!
I know something is going to have to change and more than likely it means making a major choice; an ugly decision that involves letting go of something I love. I don't really talk about it because I don't know a single person in a similar boat as me. Besides, it's much easier to just keep the momentum going, because when you stop and doubt things, it all might fall apart.
GAH. The truth is ugly and depressing, isn't it?! No wonder we bypass the drama with dream worlds and pretty things to buy! Hmph... maybe those bloggers aren't schmucks after all!
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10 comments:
The thing about truth is that it isn't stagnant and you will one day have a different truth that isn't ugly and depressing. It feels that way right because you are at your wit's end with everything you are doing. You are doing everything! EXCEPT, taking care of yourself. You're depleted. You need a refocus and you know it so that's why you finally wrote about it here. I hope you only find support and empathy for what you are going through and no haters or judgement. Your choices are your own so you can go whatever way feels right for you and you family. You're an amazing mom, gifted artist, and wonderful person. Those things won't change if you have to cut back on something. It definitely might suck for a time but it will probably let you feel lighter and give yourself more space to BE. Can you think of the positives that could come of change? Like having time to cuddle with your kids in bed while watching a movie? Or going on a yoga retreat? Or having tea with a girlfriend? Or spending a night with your husband, sans kids, reconnecting? I know change is daunting and I do not mean to make light of what you are facing but in reading your post I feel I read your pain and my heart goes out to you.
Trust yourself and know you are worthwhile even when you're not doing something every second of the day.
xoxox
kim, i have been there. not in the exact same way. but i have been there, and ryan is currently *there (to a degree... he has absolutely no down time, yet he's not doing what he loves). it's really hard to watch him day in and day out.
i'm not filled with regret, but the regrets that i do have are centered around these time periods. not slowing down. not doing what i intended to do. always intending... never doing. not cherishing (making time for) friendships. always saying no to my kids' requests to PLAY (those requests do stop, by the way :(). not making time for FUN.
thank you for being not being a 'schmuck' and opening your heart. i know without a doubt that the change that you are in need of- that you are being "pushed" towards- will manifest (maybe not quickly- or easily, but necessary).
xoxo
I can tell you are perfectly capable of taking care of yourself and family but if it helps i have a little piece of advice.
turn to your family. Put the most important things in your life in the most important place and everything else will fall into place.
Imagine a jar and pin pong balls are the most important parts of your life. Fill the jar with sand (the other things in life that keep us busy) and the balls wont fit. Put the balls in first and then fill with sand.
I've had to re-prioritize many times. Always worth it. Relief is right around the corner!
You are amazing and wonderful and doing a great job! Your family is blessed to have you.
Mixing really bad metaphors: my life has different ingredients, but the same flavor.
No home schooling - the girls are only 3 and 1 at this point. Little travel - day jobs are in one spot. But the sense of having way too much going on, and neglecting time for myself and my spouse, and yet not wanting to give any of it up, and having a backlog of several thousand images to process - I've got all of that.
If I had any words of wisdom, I'd offer them. Alas, all I can offer is that nature of your struggle is common, even if the details are unique.
Kim, yes you are an amazing photographer and are a wonderful homeschooling mama, but what I really like most is that you do tell the truth and even though we haven't met in real life, I do feel like you are real and don't necessarily have it all together. (I hope you take that as the compliment it is supposed to be--I don't believe anyone has all of their sh*t together and is deluded if they say they do. :) )
I really, really appreciate you laying it all out here. That can be a hard thing to do. And (dusting off my social work degree and offering reflections) I think you are very right about giving up something that we love (or even something that we don't love) is often more challenging than running on that hamster wheel. But after some transition, and maybe some more transition, I believe it is worth it. A cheesy cliche, but true: sometimes the hardest part is letting go.
Sending good thoughts and wishes your way. Hope it all settles into a place where you get some space to take a deep breath, look around, and smile with contentment because there is nothing else you need to do in that moment. xo
Thank you guys for the very thoughtful comments. I was *so close* to deleting this post last night. It's hard to put yourself out there. Despite my vulnerability, I think it's a valid discussion and I loved reading your input.
I remember reading a NY Times post a few months back called the "Busy Trap." It mostly said that busy-ness has become a self-imposed mechanism for feeling worthy and reassured about our place in the world. I thought that was utter bullshit. (Granted, I do believe his end point was that you need to find a happy medium, which I agree with.) My problem is, I feel like life is short and there's so many things I want to do and see and accomplish!
Then on the other hand, when I do break down, I worry that it sounds like I'm complaining, even though I'm not. I've CHOSEN to do all these things. I like what I do, even if can't keep up with it all.
ARGGGGHHHH!
I guess my response would be: I don't know what to cut out! Homeschooling? Photography? It's like Sophie's choice over here. :) Either one would be good and bad for my family!
I really appreciate your post and honesty. I think your frustration is a shared emotion amongst people these days. I agree with you when you say you have chosen to have your days like this but that is the good news. You choose! Can you get an intern /assistant to help with work? Is there an organized class your kids can join that will allow you some downtime? There must be solutions- I believe there is always opportunity in crisis. I also thinking guarding and nurturing your self is the best thing you can do for your family.
I have been at my wit's end before with all the things I want to do. I also understand that you are choosing to do them. I think the whole live/work balance thing is kind of bullshit. I don't really think it happens. It can add a whole other layer of stress onto our plate. To strive for something that always seems out of reach.
I do know that it all works out in the end. Hopefully you are in the moment when you're doing all this stuff.
From what I know of you, you don't live a life of compromise, so I have complete confidence that you will figure it out.
I hope I get to see you this weekend. Everyone, no matter how busy deserves drinks (of some variety) with girlfriends.
Oh Kim, I can feel you feeling overwhelmed! Thanks for sharing what you're going through. I can only speak from my own experience...so I'll share that.
I am a recovering over-achiever. Stress has been my biggest problem since I was a kid. Finally, at age 38, it put me in complete adrenal burnout and I think if I didn't listen to my body when I did I would be in deep trouble. I waited too long anyway and now I'm forced to lie on the couch and do nothing for part of the day and often all of the day...!!! But it's okay, because I am re-learning how to live without being so damn hard on myself all of the time. And I know that I will heal.
Just being aware of the fact that something has to give is a HUGE step. It's hard to stop when you've lived your whole life with certain patterns and expectations of yourself.
My new mantra-- 'just enough effort' --
Here's a vulnerable post that you might relate to: http://colleen-thegoodlife.blogspot.com/2012/08/no-snacking-while-nursing-and-other.html
and just a thought--what if you started by going through your week's schedule, knowing that you have to carve out alone/quiet time for yourself and then schedule it in. yes, you may have to let go a bit of something else, but re-affirm to yourself that it will (pre)serve you overall.
i think your brave.
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