THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH, AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH
>> Back when I first started blogging, I would write about anything that came to mind. As this strange and new online conversation evolved, I inevitably became more careful about what I shared, especially after a few heated discussions and the realization that everything was now super-connected. While I vehemently denied the rampant ad and corporate-based giveaways/promotions/reviews that many bloggers at that time succumbed to, I still managed to buy into the censoring like all the other schmucks out there. I became another one of those, "I live in a Pinterest dream world where I make all my own shit. Plus, I'm a photographer and I homeschool and travel nonstop, my life is perfect blah blah blah...."
UGH. It has been such a long time since I just let it all out. Even though it worries me that I'll be judged or maybe someone won't hire me at some point for being honest, I don't want to keep up the façade any longer. It's completely against my constitution. Now seems as good a time as ever to simply say what is on my mind. First,
There are a lot of great things going on in my world:
-I love my job.
-I am passionate about homeschooling.
-I get to travel. A lot. I feel alive when I'm on the road (metaphorically and physically.)
-I have an amazing family that I love being with.
-I have a beautiful home.
-I am blessed with a very full and deep life.
(Yeah, yeah. You already knew that, right? BUT, here's what I haven't said...)
There are a lot of ways in which I'm failing:
-I'm stressed out beyond belief.
-There's never enough time in the day.
-I don't go on dates with my husband.
-There are virtually no manicures/haircuts/massages/shopping excursions/coffee or lunch with friends/etc.
-My friendships need work.
-I can't keep doing everything all the time.
-I can't stop doing anything I'm doing.
-Important things are being overlooked because I'm at my limit.
In one of my last posts, I mentioned it was my busiest time of year. Ironically, I'm always busy and yet somehow! I manage to top myself every year. There is literally no down time, unless you count going to the gym (which I do, because that is how sad I am. I get an hour+ to myself where I can workout/read a book/have a break from my children all at the same time.) I never sit on the couch and watch tv. I rarely play with my kids other than during school. My only other break during the day is usually when I am cooking. My down time is called "sleep" or "editing photos late at night."
So, while I'm busy excelling at being with my kids 24/7, I am also failing to be fun in any way, shape or form. Sure, I teach them and take them to all their activities. I make all their meals and tuck them into bed at night. We occasionally play games and go on exciting adventures, but when it comes to just chilling out with my kids, I'm not available. (As I type this, my husband and children are all cuddled up on our bed watching football, while I'm supposed to be editing photos.)
People ask me about homeschooling all the time. The number one thing I hear is: "How can you handle being with you children all day long?" The number two thing is: "My kids would never listen to me if I was their teacher." Well, that's another story (which I'd love to talk about at a later date,) but my point is, I am on the other side of the coin. I enjoy being around my kids. I've made damn certain that they are not annoying individuals. Sure, they drive me nuts from time to time, but usually it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with all the other things on my plate. I love watching them grow and learn and change every day.
On the other hand, I do know that I need a break from time to time to be a better mom, wife, friend and human being. That said, I truly don't know how to go about changing things without letting go of something else. And I don't know what I can or want to let go of! I need my career because it is what fuels me as a person. Any extra money I make helps our family survive. I've learned to not rely on anyone else since we don't have any local family or babysitters to help out. Other than hiring a clone or a personal assistant, I don't know what to do.
But you see, the unravelling is already happening my friends. In my exhaustion, I plowed out of my garage and into my sister's rental car a couple of weeks ago when she was visiting. (I was running late and forgot they were parked behind my garage.) I booked tickets to England without checking our passports first. (Yesterday we realized that two were expired and today was spent trying to expedite renewals in time for our travels. It does not look good!) Ten days ago, I came down with the worst sickness I've had in years and then I proceeded to infect both of my children with varying degrees of it, replete with fevers and Croup.) Oh and did I mention that I have about 5,000 photos to edit in the next week and that we've been unschooling because I've been so sick/busy/stressed. YAY, me!
I know something is going to have to change and more than likely it means making a major choice; an ugly decision that involves letting go of something I love. I don't really talk about it because I don't know a single person in a similar boat as me. Besides, it's much easier to just keep the momentum going, because when you stop and doubt things, it all might fall apart.
GAH. The truth is ugly and depressing, isn't it?! No wonder we bypass the drama with dream worlds and pretty things to buy! Hmph... maybe those bloggers aren't schmucks after all!