Though we were sad to split ways, there was a small part of me that looked forward to a mellow evening and finally some time to sit down and consider my plans for the year (something I greatly enjoy each January.) But as life has a way of dishing irony at the least welcome time, I was in a car crash that jolted me to the core and sent a sweet, elderly woman to the hospital. (I have never been in anything greater than a fender bender, so I find myself plagued with guilt and remorse that I'm responsible for injuring another human being.)
I stood in the street sobbing for over an hour with onlookers ogling the scene, thoughtful police and paramedics trying to cheer me up, including my victim who probably became more worried about me than his poor wife who'd been carted off in an ambulance. It was humbling to say the least.
The minor pain I've felt since the shock wore off is nothing compared to the sick lump in my heart as I replay the accident over and over in my head. I know it could've been worse, especially if I'd hurt my children or had there been a fatality. (Oh how I feel for those people this has happened to!) If only I could go back to that moment and do something different. Or more importantly, if only I'd followed my intuition and stopped using that dodgy intersection.
When I look back on the past 5 years, they've all strangely started with a disappointing beginning. I know that in itself can create a springboard for better things to come. But, each year has been an important reminder for something greater.... something borderline cliché, but also affective:
We are not immune to any of life's grievances or failures.
I reacted with genuine sorrow for my mistake. I cannot change what is already done. I will somehow live with it, but not allow fear to overcome. And I will start 2012 with yet another experience and a new understanding in my pocket.
6 comments:
oh kim! i'm so sorry this happened, sorry for the other lady, so sorry for you. you're a wonderful person and hurting another is pain itself. i'm sure it's weighing really heavily on you, but just know that i'm thinking of you. xoxo
Kim, I'm so sorry to read about this! And I'm sorry it's weighing so heavily on you. It's hard when we know that it really isn't our fault but keep replaying it over and over and think about ways it could have been different. I've been in a similar circumstance and it is extremely jarring, to say the least. That's awesome that you gained some really good insight from it. It just sucks that you went through it. Take care!
Oh no!! I am so sorry that you are going through this (as well as the other woman and her husband). We have all been where you are (whether it was a car accident or some other situation that we wish we could go back to and do something different....) Try not to beat yourself up too much.....it could (and does) happen to anyone. Truly. Which is I guess what you are reflecting on....
So true about not being immune. I'm so glad you are okay and I hope that woman is fine too! May the rest of 2012 be less jolting.
I've been there myself, and understand what you're feeling. We are not immune, and sometimes reminders are necessary (for myself, anyways) put things into perspective.
I'm sorry that you had to start the new year off in this way, but so happy to hear that you are not hurt.
Happy new year, my friend.
oh that little voice, why is it that sometimes we only remember it in hindsight? i'm so sorry that you got in an accident. i'm glad you and the other parties involved were ok.
i was in a terrible accident in my early twenties that left my right hip completely jacked up (for lack of a better term). thank the universe for rolfing.
i'm glad you are acknowledging the fear. it can really sneak up on you when you get back behind the wheel.
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