Like a right Limey

Rain, my favorite wellies, scones and a cuppa.

What a perfect way to start the week...

Seven Letters

It had been over 4 months since they had parted ways, but not a day went by where Louise didn't think of her friend, Miriam.

Things had ended on an unsettled note and nothing bothered her more than this. She spent countless moments replaying their final conversation in her head, with 14 particularly ugly words forever seared into her memory. Worse, Miriam would show up in her dreams nearly every night.

Like most grief, moments of sadness would steadily turn to anger and then lead to confusion - an endless cycle of unresolved angst, a state Louise couldn't stand living in. On many occasions she'd start to pick up the phone to call Miriam, only to hang up from sheer defiance. She would not be the complacent one. NO! She would just have to wait for time to do its job.

Out of frustration, she began to write a series of unpublished letters to her friend. If there was one thing Louise knew, it was words. Her words were independent and direct, sometimes frighteningly so, but they were always loyal. The first few letters were full of venom, but by the seventh letter she was mostly writing heartfelt messages like, "I miss you." or "What happened between us? What weren't you telling me?"

The last straw was when Miriam's name began to appear regularly on Louise's Facebook feed. Perhaps it was a fluke or a changed setting, who knows? Nonetheless, Miriam's name was live and confronting Louise face on.

Daily.

It was a silent reminder that Miriam was adding new friends to her life. Louise couldn't take it any longer. She had to do something. She had to contact her old friend one way or another and try to make amends outside of her dreams.

Without thinking it through, she opened up Scrabble Beta, a game that she and Miriam played repeatedly. Perhaps it was a strange metaphor for their friendship (especially when all was said and done,) because no matter how hard she tried, Miriam could not beat Louise in the game. They played over and over again but to no avail. Miriam finally gave up and stopped playing her.

Louise pressed "New Game."

Select players: Miriam Bonnifield. [PLAY]

.... The request to start a new game was sent.

Her intent was to send Miriam messages through her Scrabble words. She had hoped for good letters like

C R U S H E D or even S O R R O W, but of course that would've been too easy. Instead, she was given

E T N I A W R.

The words all flashed in front of her eyes like they usually do: Win, Tin, Ten, Net, New, Wit, Nit, Nite, Tine, War, Rite, Rat, Rant, Wait, Twine, Wine, Want, Winter, Wanter. {UGH.} She couldn't start off with any of those words, so she swapped letters.

And waited.

After several days, she figured that Miriam wasn't going to play along. It really was over. GAME OVER.

What was she thinking? Of course Miriam wasn't going to return to a game she'd repeatedly lost, one she'd ultimately ended in the first place. By hurting Louise she had won.

.........

But then one afternoon it finally came. There was a word waiting for her.

"CAGED."

Caged? What did that mean? Had she felt trapped in the relationship or was it just an arbitrary choice of words? Unable to read into 5 letters, Louise studied her hand, determined to find the perfect word again. She knew what she wanted to say but the letters were just not there.

SWAP.

{Shite.}

SWAP.

{FUCK}

SWAP.

{You've got to be kidding me!}

She intentionally lost points trying to collect the right letters. Remarkably, Miriam kept going, but by this time she was way ahead and definitely not playing the same game. Her words were without rhyme or reason and they were only marginally better than when they played regularly.

Eventually, Miriam left a comment in the chat box.

"WTF?!"

There had been a ridiculous amount of hands played and swapped and the longer it went on, the more confused Louise became about what she wanted to say. She had spent a good year winning at Scrabble (however pathetic that sounds,) so it was strange to intentionally lose. But in Louise's mind, she'd already lost. What was a stupid Scrabble game at the end of it? It was a bad idea. Interim, at best. All of a sudden, she realized that part of the problem with their friendship was that she was sick of Miriam's games and her inability to be straightforward. Not to mention, it was her own "words" that got herself into this predicament in the first place! She had already said what she had to say.

Confounded, Louise looked at her letters.

Shuffle. Shuffle. Shuffle.

And there they were. After 24 hands she was finally given something she could play: P A R A D O X.

It was a perfect word. Not only did it describe how she felt, but she could play on a triple word score and use all of her letters in one go. It was worth a great deal of points. Almost immediately she knew what she had to do.

Waiting for the right words hadn't brought her justice and it certainly didn't bring her any closure. Miriam still didn't get it and likely never would. It didn't really matter though, because for the first time in months, Louise accepted that she might never understand and suddenly that was okay. Maybe someday things would be different, but right then, Louise felt peace in 7 simple letters.

She finally got that not understanding was just part of understanding the contradiction of life. Acceptance of that which cannot be changed (and worse, that which isn't even understood) is alright because it simply changes the path you are on. And isn't moving on what life is all about anyway?

She pressed [FORFEIT.]

Almost as soon as she surrendered, she felt lighter. She noticed that Miriam's name no longer came up on Facebook and she even stopped visiting her in dreams. It was hard to say if the withdrawal was temporary or long-term, but in that moment, the emotional release was all that mattered.

Feeling better for letting go and finally ready to move on she started a new game with...