The Road Not Taken
15 May 2008 by 180|360
Thursday, May Day
After four long years, I finally took my first trip away from my children. I know this might seem unusual, as most mother's don't seem to have the same hang-up that I do... but nonetheless, it was a hurdle I needed to jump over.
I tucked the children in their beds, kissed my husband goodbye and tearily headed to the airport. For the past month, I've had a mix-cd on heavy rotation in my car and when I got in, it started playing Band of Horses, "No one's gonna love you (more than I do)." Naturally, it couldn't have been any more fitting and as I drove away, crying my sorry ass to the airport, I got to thinking that no one really does love you like your mother does.
I worried that my children would feel abandoned by me and that it would permanently scar them (stop laughing.) But by the time I traversed through the worst possible traffic at 10 o'clock at night, I was feeling better and a little worried that I might actually miss the flight.
It was surreal arriving at the airport with just myself and a bag in hand. I kept feeling as though I was forgetting something, especially as I breezed through security with no stroller to collapse, only one pair of shoes to remove, and only one bag to set on the conveyor belt. I was reminded of how I used to travel when I was alone- something I had completely displaced in my brain after that first trip with a newborn four years earlier. In fact, it was the first time I'd gone anywhere on my own, sans husband in the past 7 years.
I worried that my children would feel abandoned by me and that it would permanently scar them (stop laughing.) But by the time I traversed through the worst possible traffic at 10 o'clock at night, I was feeling better and a little worried that I might actually miss the flight.
It was surreal arriving at the airport with just myself and a bag in hand. I kept feeling as though I was forgetting something, especially as I breezed through security with no stroller to collapse, only one pair of shoes to remove, and only one bag to set on the conveyor belt. I was reminded of how I used to travel when I was alone- something I had completely displaced in my brain after that first trip with a newborn four years earlier. In fact, it was the first time I'd gone anywhere on my own, sans husband in the past 7 years. I forgot how fun it is to travel 180/360 style- because my husband is the type of traveler that likes to arrive 3 hours early no matter what, where I much prefer the adrenaline rush of "Will you or won't you make your flight?" It makes it so much more exciting to run through the airport at the last minute rather than wandering around, waiting and waiting to board the plane. So I once again had the divine pleasure of sprinting to the gate and directly relaxing myself into my seat moments before we took off. In all the rush, I forgot my sadness.
Generally speaking, I never sleep on planes, but because I've been burning the candle at both ends lately, I passed out as soon as the cabin went pitch black for departure. I only woke to the odd (and embarrassing) head-bob and a mere 4 hours later I was arriving at DTW. It was 4am in my mind, so I got 5 shots of espresso to kickstart my heart and was merrily along my way.
God, I love to travel. Can you tell? I mean I love the chaos, the craziness, even the stress. Even with two kids and a husband in tow, I really adore traveling. It's great fun driving through other cities and seeing different architecture. There's nothing like transporting yourself to a new surrounding within a few hours. It awakens my soul like nothing else.
It was grey and drizzling when I arrived in Detroit, which was perfect since I live in the land of the constant blue sky. I drove to my sister's house in morning rush hour traffic, completely unaffected, and so excited to finally meet my new nephew (and of course, spend time with his older brother.)
Now for a little background info: my sister gave birth to a healthy, 9lb 9oz, 22 inch long boy- au naturel, no drugs at all, on tax day nonetheless (which is kind of funny since she was an accountant pre-parenthood,) but still! I am so impressed. Both of my c-section born children were 9.9/9.10 babies and the thought of pushing them out pains me to this day.
Anyway, this birth for my sister was truly "re-birth" in its most basic sense. You see, her first pregnancy was quite traumatic and something that saddens me to discuss two and a half years later. To make a long story short, her first pregnancy was one of identical twin boys, where one unfortunately died around 22 weeks. There was a possibility that they had "Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome," where the umbilical cord carries and unequal amount of nutrients, blood, amniotic fluid, and oxygen to one of the babies.
It was one of the most scary and heartbreaking times of my life. The worst part besides losing a baby was that there were worries that her other living son would have neurological complications due to the death of his twin, because when one dies with TTTS, there is usually a massive rush of blood that can create a stroke in the living fetus. It was all incredibly traumatic to say the least. She had to carry both of them to term and the entire process was utterly bittersweet. While they were excited to bring a healthy and beautiful little guy to life, they had to hold a disfigured still-born child and bury him amidst all the happiness. It was awful- I was pregnant with Max and already a mother, so I took this REALLY hard.
But thankfully, this pregnancy went without a hitch and the baby, well... he's just gorgeous; a perfect little guy that nurses and sleeps, nurses and sleeps. His cry is sweet and not at all ear-piercing. My sister deserved another great baby after all she'd been through. He was just so sweet I wanted to pack him in my bag and take him home with me. See for yourself...
I had a great visit with them and to say that time flew would be an understatement. I was so busy as a personal chef, full-time photographer and cuddling auntie that 3 days passed faster than ever! I was sad to go, especially knowing that my children back at home were doing JUST FINE. "Better than ever," my husband said. Of course they were.
In reflection, I realized a few things. I'm glad that I did this trip alone. It wouldn't have been the same if I had to focus on taking care of my two children, as well as trying to help my sister out. I tried to think of somewhere else I'd like to go solo, and I decided I'd really like to visit NYC to see my friend Ali. I think it would be much more fun to have the freedom to do New York properly; as an adult, not a family. At least not for my first time, anyway!
But beyond that, I still really like the thought of sharing most of my travel adventures with my kids. Even if it is more complicated, I'd like us to have as many journeys together as possible. I know that all of the traveling I did as a child has made me so open to it today. And I'd like to share that same love of wanderlust with them, so that they, too, will come to appreciate taking different roads in their lives.
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The BoyChild is five going on six and I have never been away from him for more than one night. The GirlChild is 14 and last summer she went on vacation with her friend for TEN days. That was the first time I had been away from her for more than five nights. So I don't think your anxiety is that unusual. To me, it is pretty normal.
This post was so well-written, I don't really have any comment to add! I'm so thrilled that your sister has a happier memory associated with pregnancy and birth.
(*ahem* You need to take a solo trip to LA with me!)
Congratulations to your Sister on the birth of her new Boy. And yes, my heart is aching at your telling of her first pregnancy.
As for traveling alone. I find it strange to go to the grocery store alone, forget about leaving the city! I haven't left my kids yet and don't plan on it anytime soon, well Apple is only 8months. I actually find that we travel very well together as a family and I too want to share everything with them. Glad you enjoyed it though.
Glad to hear it went so well.
Your nephew is gorgeous. I'm jealous. I want a nephew :)
He's absolutely beautiful. All round in all the right places.
I'm glad you were able to take off on your own for a little while. Sometimes it's nice for the children and you to be separate for a bit. When you return, the homecomming is quite beautiful.
Your nephew is so cute he makes me want to cry (maybe its my hormones)!
You know, my parents traveled with us a ton (and we moved quite a bit as kids) and my sense of wanderlust is one of the things I'm most grateful for.
I'm glad you had a good trip!
Now that you've lost your solo-travel virginity, you have no excuse not to take a trip to new york! Multiple flights daily from Las Vegas! And my upper west side hotel always has availability.
Beautiful. And don't forget a homecoming trip someday. Heck, bring the kids. You've always got a place to stay.
LVGurl is right, this is a really nicely done post. The baby photo is beautiful, good thing you had a great model since you don't know much about photography. (HA HA HA!)
I'm glad that you got the chance to spend this solo time with your sister. It's a good experience for everyone (you, your sister, the kids).
Wow. What a loaded post.
I'll focus on the traveling part. You LOVE the stress? Even with the family in tow? I need some therapy sessions with you.
I don't know how you do it- traveling with a family in tow. Very impressive. I can barely get myself on an airplane without a meltdown these days.
Glad you had a good trip, my dear.
Congratulations on an amazing adventure. and to your sister's family on a beautiful addition.
btw..Band of Horses was the perfect soundtrack for the scene.
I hate leaving my children. I am forced to every other weekend, obviously, but even before that, leaving to go away for a breather actually made me not breath too well in a sense. Of course, being able to sleep and talk to grown ups without interruption or something spilled on me was nice...
That's a great story! What a cute little guy ;)
My wife gets the same way when she has to leave the boys for any amount of time, you're not alone. And umm, NYC is fun but you should come to Philly! (hint)
I'm glad to see that I wasn't the only mom out there who hadn't left her children! Thanks for all the nice comments about the writing and photos. It is all much appreciated.
Ali- You are on! I'm going to figure out when I can visit.
Theresa- I'm actually going to be there in a few weeks. Hope we can meet up- maybe with Jill?
Tesco- I'd love to visit Philly, too!
I too love traveling... since having children its harder though;)
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